Archive for the ‘divorce’ Category

Mail Call

October 21, 2009

I just went to pick up the mail and the letters are a mix of sizes and weights.  As is typical the bills and promotions are addresses to me (nothing new, nothing exciting).  Then I get to the bottom of the pile and there is the bigger stuff, The College Alumni Bulletin, and The Journal of Medicine, AND a package from the Benefits Consultants.  I hang over the island in the kitchen and breeze through the Alumni magazine.  Nothing of that much interest but a smile comes across my face and I am happy.  Why you ask?  Because DB’s mail comes to our home now.  It means he has to come back because he has to get his mail.  When I was little (even now) I don’t like to go away for more than a week.  What if something important comes in the mail and I miss it.  Nothing important comes anymore, nothing that you can’t get online or via your cell phone, but to me I know DB has to come home because I have his mail.  To me it means he live here.

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To Fight or Not to Fight

October 18, 2009

People talk about divorce and the affects on children.  It is not the act of divorce. It is the action of the parents before, during and after divorce.  Look I am not a shrink and I am sure that some people (experts) believe that divorce scars.  And I am sure it does.  But there is some control over how much it scars.  Two people who can control their emotions, regardless of how much hate or hurt is involved, will have children that are better adjusted and less scared than two people moving into different homes who still fight constantly.  Unfortunately, I fall into the second group. Very unfortunately.  My ex has sent me up to 25 emails a day saying I am a horrible person and a horrible mother.  He has threatened me.  He has pushed his way into my home.  He has called what was our family home repeatedly after 11:00 p.m. demanding to talk to my daughter.  That shit scars.

My ex is an attorney and for a brief time in his career he dabbled in divorce.   I remember one of his clients called our home shortly before Christmas one year.  The client was furious and I could hear him yelling through the phone, asking my ex, “Why can’t we just freeze the bitches assets.”  I heard my ex respond, “Look my job is to get you through this as quickly and painlessly as possible so you can both put it behind you and get on with your lives.”  I have asked myself a million times why those words don’t apply to him.

Want rational words from a rational mind.  You get divorced, give yourself time to morn.  Morn with dignity and self reflection. Don’t morn in front of your children, not to excees.  Don’t make them feel that you are their responsibility.  And before you think you are done morning, when you could morn a little more, get on with your life.  Someone once said, the process of divorce is over-rated and the result is under-rated.  It is true.  Everything you heard about the process…most times it is worse.  Your children don’t need to know how much worse.  And remember, when you are free and the charade of a marriage is over, you have something you did not have before….Hope.  God bless hope.  God bless knowing there is a chance tomorrow could be better.  Better for you, better for your kids, just better.   Introduce your children to hope, not hate.

Questions and Concerns

October 6, 2009

My father use to say that when a man writes a book he is writing the learnings of his life. Thereby when reading a book you are learning the lessons of a lifetime. Although I am a business executive and my now significant other is a surgeon, for me the biggest lesson I am learning is through this relationship. The pros, the cons, the effect on my children, his children our ex’s. Isn’t there a way that what I have experienced can help another? Each person is different. I now. But there are no perfect endings and their are few tragic endings as well. I believe most are somewhere in the middle. I wish I could help someone else navigate the murky waters of an action which solicits such strong opinions from people and affects so many people lives. Can I help?